Dopey Dad

“Dad, have you ever taken drugs?”  I put down my beer and sighed, and not for the first time wished I’d had some sort of parenting handbook given to me when our first child was born.

Sensing that the coveted trophy of Father of the Year was slipping even further from my grasp, I decided my only hope lay in getting political.  “That’s a good question,” I replied, “now let me ask you a question; why do you want to know?”

“Because Mum said to ask you.”

I glared at the kitchen, which had suddenly gone very quiet, and muttered, “I see.”  I swallowed another mouthful of beer then said, “Well, let’s just say that Daddy’s done a lot of stupid things in his life, and the fact that I was very easily lead didn’t help matters much either.”

“So you have tried drugs!”

“Well, I didn’t say that!” I stammered, desperately playing for time, hoping for the phone to ring, a knock on the door, or a meteorite strike in the backyard.  When nothing happened I stared at my can of beer and found inspiration.

“Actually, Daddy takes drugs everyday sweetheart!” I beamed.  This statement was followed by the sound of a dish smashing in the kitchen and Long Suffering Wife appearing in the doorway with a ‘look’ on her face.

“You see,” I said, holding up my beer can, “alcohol is a drug, but I can give it up anytime I want.”  I ignored the choking noises coming from the doorway.

“Drugs are everywhere little mate,” I continued, paddling frantically toward the shoreline of Safer Topics, “headache tablets, caffeine, nicotine, and medicines are drugs.  Even chocolate could be considered a drug,” I finished, with a pointed look at the kitchen door.

I had another swig, and reflected on the fact that the War on Drugs has been about as successful as the Wars on Poverty, Terror, Obesity, Organised Crime and Stupidity.  In spite of the billions poured into the War on Dope, the authorities are still unable to keep drugs out of their prisons, let alone off our streets.

Satisfied for the time being, The Littlest Princess wandered off, leaving me to finish my beer in peace.  I had won a small victory, but the War against my Children’s Curiosity will be a lifetime struggle.

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