Last Saturday was World Naked Bike Ride Day! And I have to admit I was a tad disappointed with the extremely low turnout; basically me, and some old bloke with a camera who was muttering something about needing a much bigger zoom lens.
Honestly, I’ve seen better attendance at the Apathy Club AGM!
So after hanging out for a while, I decided to call the whole thing off and pedal home. And on the way, to help take my mind off the hooting and catcalls of passing gawkers, I thought up a list of ‘Must Do’s‘ for anyone wishing to join me in next years’ nude cycling event:
1. You’re going to need sunscreen. Lots of it. And you will need to apply it to places you don’t normally slap it onto. Tip: avoid spilling lotion on your bike seat; you’ll find out why when it happens.
2. Don’t speed while riding unclothed. Gravel rash on certain body parts takes a ridiculously long time to heal. Don’t ask me how I know, just take my word for it.
3. Make sure your event is sanctioned by the authorities, because for some silly reason, the police take a real dim view of people pedalling round town in the nude. Oh, and be prepared for them to put on a real song and dance when you whip out your licence from the only place you can carry it.
4. Finally, after your bareback ride you will need the following items: a 10mm open ended spanner and some heavy duty rubber gloves. Use them remove your bicycle seat, then toss the lot into an industrial furnace. Tip: to prevent any spoke, or chain, related injuries to your extremities, I strongly suggest you wear clothes during this procedure.
Well, hopefully you’ve been inspired to join me next March pedalling for a great cause (actually, I’m a little hazy on what that cause is, but I’m sure it’s worthwhile). Anyway, I’m sure I’ll be seeing a lot more of you at next years’ event; and you can bank on seeing a lot more of me!