To the untrained eye it may appear that I purchase my clothing second-hand, or shop exclusively from the bargain bin at The Dishevelled Gentleman, but this is not the case. I do buy brand new clothes, usually every three or so years; whether I need to or not.
One must keep up appearances.
But on the weekend, while putting on my favourite t-shirt, I was dismayed to see my hand tear through the fabric with the ease of Mike Tyson punching through fairy floss.
After reverently tossing the shirt into the rag box, I announced it was time to buy some new threads. First stop was the beer fridge, because if there’s one thing I hate doing, it’s clothes shopping.
While I sipped, the Eldest Princess rattled off her time tested clothes shopping tips, which I’m going to share with you:
- Tie your hair up, and remove any clips.
- Wear a ‘flowy’ dress, or skirt, so you can lift it up to try pants on.
- Don’t wear makeup, because it ‘smooshes’ onto the clothes.
- Take off all your jewellery and anything else that might catch on clothing.
- Wear slip-on footwear, no laces or buckles.
- Carry a small purse, not a big bag, to prevent being searched each time you leave a store, which chews up valuable shopping time.
And Long Suffering Wife added, “Wear underwear. Clean underwear!”
Armed with this information I eventually drove to the shops, took one look at the Christmas carpark nightmare, then detoured to the beach where my faded shorts, holey t-shirt, battered hat and mismatched thongs looked quite normal.
So until the Christmas shopping frenzy dies down, I plan to hang out in places where my ratty rags will blend in; the shed, fishing trips, hobo gatherings, and any pub bistro in Gladstone.