Hopefully today you will be reading this column, and having a bit of a chuckle, instead of crawling through the radioactive rubble that was once your house after lil’ Kim Jong Un has finished chucking his tanty.
Now, I may have about the same understanding of North Korean diplomacy as our dog does of the inner workings of an automatic transmission, but even I can see the real root cause of all Kim’s problems; it’s his haircut.
I don’t know who prunes Kimmy’s mop, but obviously they’re having a bit of a snigger at the Exalted Leaders’ expense, and as a result, the rest of us are facing a nuclear showdown. So instead of whipping the dust covers off the missiles, and kick-starting the engines on the long range bombers, why not send in a crack team of Hollywood shearers and see if they can salvage Kim’s scone?
Even our own PM makes sure her own hair stylist is never too far away, just in case her braids need a touch up, or her ears start showing. Of course, making him live with her is a bit extreme, but it shows just how serious she is about having well-maintained hair.
It was the secret of Bob Hawke’s long standing success. And John Howards’ popularity soared after some brave clipper hacked into the shrubbery sprouting from his ears and nostrils, before tackling his overgrown eyebrows with a weed eater.
Look, unlike most other things in my life, I reckon I’m actually right about this. Who hasn’t felt a bit peeved after a bad haircut? After seeing what my head looks like when a trim goes wrong, the world should be extremely grateful that I don’t have access to a slingshot, let alone a million heavily armed men and a glittering array of nuclear weapons.
So when I see Kim Jong stomping around wearing a stupid hat, straight away I know he’s trying to cover up a bad haircut, and that he’s definitely feeling very snippy indeed.