Open after 21.12.2012: My fellow Gladstonians, if you are reading this then the Mayan Calendar prophecy was wrong and the world has not come to an end, so could one of you pop down to Barney Point Beach and pick me up? I’ll be the very dejected bloke sitting on a park bench wearing an alfoil cap and a ‘Beam Me Up Scotty’ t-shirt.
Since the world began, people have been predicting its’ end. Experts, religious types, scientists, psychics, authors, prophets, movie makers, and various nutters have cheerfully manipulated mankind’s morbid fascination with doom on an epic scale.
And nearly every culture has a Doomsday scenario. The Vikings believed in Ragnarok, the last great battle between good and evil, followed by peace on earth. Christians, Muslims and Jews believe in Armageddon, the last great battle between good and evil followed by peace on earth… hang on a minute?!
Anyway, as a young bloke, I lived in fear that the world would be fried by a massive nuclear fire ball, and with Ronnie Raygun doddering about the Oval Office, it seemed quite possible. It certainly wouldn’t have been beyond ol’ President Bonzo to mix up his TV remote with ‘The Button’.
You can imagine the impact this had on my young and impressionable mind. I mean, what was the point of an education if we were about to be turned into radioactive waste? Now, I don’t want to lay all the blame for my poor school results at Ronnie’s feet, but he certainly didn’t help!
But since then I’ve been threatened with impending doom from planetary alignment, asteroid strike, super volcanoes, WW3, anti-biotic resistant superbugs, the Second Coming, global cooling, global warming, ozone holes, bio-terrorism and most horrifying of all, the possible return of Young Talent Time.
So upon hearing of the Mayan Calendar prophecy I merely shrugged, because I’ve got Doomsday Burnout. But here’s a prediction of my own: after the world fails to come to an end on 21.12.12, another terrifying prophecy will surface, and assorted pessimists will gleefully re-start their gloomy countdown, and bad prophets will start making good profits from the gullible and the panicky.
Which reminds me, I’ve still got some authentic, limited edition, Y2K compliant, Mayan Calendars for sale; each one personally signed by Nostradamus!