Daily Archives: October 27, 2012

Bye Bye Big Bird

“Big Bird. You’re fired!”

Folks, if Mitt Romney wins the US elections, he’s going to cut funding to PBS, the network that bought us Sesame Street for nearly 43 years.  Ok, I haven’t watched an episode for ages, but Sesame Street is like the Aunt you no longer see, who never fails to send you a Xmas card with an easy twenty in it every year; you’ll miss it when it’s gone.

Can you imagine the scene in the White House if Mitty Mormon gets the top job?

Hi Mr. Big Bird!  Look, I love your work, but our economy is in serious trouble, particularly after I spent a billion dollars to get a job that only pays four hundred thousand a year.

Now, I’m not going to borrow money from my new bosses in China to fund your show, so it’s time you packed up your nest and found another street to live on.

Perhaps you should look at the example set by Mr. Oscar the Grouch?  He has proven that you can survive for years living in a sidewalk garbage bin eating scraps.  Actually, I’m thinking of using him as a role model for America’s future working classes.

Plus Mr. Cookie Monster will have to find his own cash to treat his eating disorder.  Seriously Mr. Bird, I don’t think he wants to give up cookies, and frankly, the American taxpayer shouldn’t be coughing up the dough for his… well, dough.

I would also like to offer my sincerest condolences regarding the recent death of The Count.  He was a sharp dresser, lived in a castle, and independently wealthy; basically my type of guy!  I was hoping to offer him a job with my buddies at Goldman Sachs, because he’d have fit right in with those obsessive compulsive vampires.  Bwahahahaaa!

To sum up Mr. Bird, in spite of your fantastic contribution to the youth of the world, in today’s economy, if you can’t turn a profit, then you’re basically worthless.  And the only street I’m interested in bailing out is Wall Street; again, and again.  Goodbye Mr. Bird.

Oh, Mr. Bird!  On your way out, could you show in Mr. Ernie and Mr. Bert?  I’ve got some bad news regarding their application for gay marriage and their plans to adopt Elmo.

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Filed under Gladstone Observer Columns