Horrible Horoscopes

“Today you will make 79 decisions; all of them will be wrong.  Every word you utter will be completely ignored.  All traffic lights will be red, and you won’t find a single working biro.”

Had I read that particular horoscope while munching on my Rice Bubbles I would have been much better prepared for the horror story of a day that lay ahead of me.

Instead, my star sign had the following sage advice: “Your plans will work, especially if they’re built on experience.  A change to your family or work situation will occur this week.  Lucky Number: 2.” Summing up:  some distant planets and stars spinning around in deep space somehow revealed this information to a mystic who then submitted it to this paper.

Yeah, right.

Actually, I’m quite jealous that I’m not getting paid to write the daily horoscopes.  Not only would it be fun, but I reckon I could whip up a year’s worth of vague sounding generalisations in less than a weekend, then take the rest of the year off to count my ill-gotten loot.

And I can already foresee sales of this paper dropping by at least a twelfth as I gleefully hammer the self-esteem of every defenceless Capricorn into the ground, eg:  “All Capricorns are drab, tone deaf and tell boring jokes.  Beige is your favourite colour so you should not be allowed to select clothes or home furnishings.    Lucky Number:  43.16”

Seriously, if you’re relying on the daily horoscope to help you make daily decisions, then you really should be kept away from power outlets and have a cork placed on your fork for your own, and others, protection.

Star followers are obviously the sort of people who are easily lead and extremely gullible; and if this sounds like you, then immediately send me your date of birth along with fifty dollars in cash right now.  In return I’ll provide you with some sage advice, along with an amazingly accurate prediction of your immediate financial future.

Meanwhile those of us with our heads screwed on properly will follow something a little more realistic; The Phantom.

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