Don’t Bet on Tax Returns

Black Caviars’ owners must be beside themselves with worry.  Because while their little pony has an almost freakish ability to win races, she has absolutely failed to come to grips with the concept of Income Tax Write-offs.

So with the end of the financial year rapidly approaching, they whipped the mighty mare halfway around the world hoping that she would lose the Diamond Jubilee Stakes.  That way they could offset the expenses of her loss from her winnings, and get a nice refund, instead of copping a tax bill that would even make Gina Rinehart soil her silks.

Sadly no one explained this to Black Cav, who decided to win the race; even though her jockey was standing up in the saddle and hauling on the reins so hard that her chin was slapping into her knees.  Now they’ve got another wheelbarrow load of prize money to deal with.  The poor sods.

I daresay they’ll hire some imaginative accountants to sort out the mess, like the ones who worked for another famous Aussie punter, Kerry Packer.  When the ATO quizzed Kezza about some discrepancies in his tax returns he responded with a devastating uppercut, “… if anybody in this country doesn’t minimise their tax, they want their heads read, because as a government, I can tell you you’re not spending it that well that we should be donating extra!”

Which is probably why most Australians view Income Tax Returns as a legitimate form of gambling, like horseracing, but using accountants instead of bookies to improve the odds of beating the Taxman.

Except using an accountant with a flair for creative writing is like backing another horse to beat Black Caviar.  You may get off to a great start, but sooner or later you’re going to get reeled in.  At which point you’ll learn that the First Rule of accounting is: If someone has to go to jail, make sure it’s the client.  The Second Rule is: Make sure the client pays first.

So if you must gamble, then I’d suggest forgetting about fiddling your tax return, or punting on the ponies, why not try dabbling in Investment Banking?  You get to gamble with other people’s money, and if you lose, the Government bails you out.  It’s the ultimate one horse race, and it’s tax free!

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