Driving in Gladstone – let’s all just calm down a bit!

There’s been a huge increase in vehicle numbers on our roads lately, and each morning and evening our roads are packed fuller than a glutton’s colon.  Tourists entering Gladstone at these times must gaze at the lines of traffic stretching back to the horizon and wonder if some sort of state of emergency has been called in our fair city.

People used to complain about the lack of parking spaces around town, and now, thanks to Government inaction, our entire city has become a car park.  But when the traffic does get going, it really gets going!  Careless pedallers, pedestrians and pets are converted into speed bumps as our streets become a speedway circuit filled with wild-eyed, texting, inconsiderate and abusive motorists.

So, I’d like to offer the following tips to bring a little sanity back to our roads:

  1. Being late for work is much better than having the word ‘Late’ placed next to your name in the paper.
  2. Aggressive tailgaters, I don’t care how close you sit behind me flashing your lights and beeping your horn, if I’m already doing 100 kph, then I’m not going to go any faster.  Besides, I’m pretty sure the speed limit along Philip Street is only 60 kph?
  3. It’s considered polite to hold up a few more fingers when waving out of your window.
  4. Roundabouts are not race-abouts.
  5. Before punching your right thong into floormat, think about this; there are far more beds in our hospitals’ emergency ward than there are doctors.

and,

6. For the love of God, please stop pulling out in front of a fully laden cement trucks and B-doubles!  As the old African proverb says, “The elephant ALWAYS has right of way in the jungle.”

Look, our traffic situation is not going to improve any time soon, but I’ve been using all the hours I’ve spent waiting for the lollipop folk to spin their signs, to think of a brilliant solution to Gladstone’s traffic problems.  Further details will be revealed in a later column.

Now, on a totally unrelated topic, does anyone have detailed plans for a personal hovercraft?

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