My computers’ anti-virus programme was daily downloading massive updates, which were killing my computers’ speed. Now, I’d bought the programme in the first place to stop my computer from slowing down, so I disabled the update function, and voila, my computers’ speed returned to normal ie: bog slow, instead of dead slow.
Of course, I got a virus. As unwelcome pop-ups started filling my screen with rude pictures, I sipped my coffee and thought, “No worries, don’t panic, you can deal with this…”
An hour later I burst through the door of a computer repair shop. “She’ll be right mate,” said the smiling youth, “We’ll get rid of the virus without losing your precious files. Well, most of your files… probably.” Back home, I sat in a corner and chewed my nails.
My daughters were carted off for counselling upon learning they couldn’t contact their online friends. They returned later in the day looking like shell shock victims, but the nice counsellors had shown them how to pick up a telephone and talk like folk did in ‘ancient times’. They opted to text each other instead. So while they clicked away, I carried on with my scribbling using a notebook and pen, cursing the day I dropped my faithful old typewriter in a St. Vinnies bin.
Later, to prevent getting permanent hand cramp, I dragged the girls through the Art Gallery. “Look Dad!” cried The Littlest Princess pointing to a typewriter exhibit, “an olden days computer!” Now, you’re not allowed to touch the displays in the gallery, but if you could, then I’m sure you would be very surprised at how hard you have to press the keys on a typewriter just to make them move, and how noisy a typewriter is in the quiet environment of an art gallery. You may also discover that some untrusting person had bolted it quite securely to an incredibly heavy stand.
Fortunately, my computer pulled through unscathed and I vowed never again to complain about how long anti-virus files take to download. In fact, I’d happily wait longer, and pay a little extra, for any programme which not only stops electronic bugs, but tracks them back to the source they originated from, and blasts the computer and the hacker, into smouldering piles of radioactive waste.
That’ll slow those ‘buggers’ down for a change!