Mondays’ Column – Stiff Necked 31.05.10

I had a stiff neck.  Not the sort of stiff neck you’d associate with stubbornness, but a genuinely sore neck.  In fact, the only thing I’m really stiff necked about is seeing a chiropractor.  I’d been to one years ago, and came away a little traumatised from the experience.  Surely it can’t be natural to have your toes scraped down the back of your head?         

Instead, I waited for the pain to go away, but after a couple of days I was reduced to begging Long Suffering Wife for a backrub.  Upon discovering that pressing certain points on my shoulders made me yodel like an alpine shepherd who has stepped on an upturned rake, she really threw herself into the task. 

When I’d regained consciousness, she suggested that perhaps I should see a chiropractor.  I scoffed at the idea, trowelled on some more liniment, then lurched off to work.  Unfortunately the pain increased, so I did what all men do; turned to my mates for medical advice.         

After my many shortcomings were pointed out, and laughed at, I was subjected to a battery of questions, after which the general consensus was, I needed to see a chiropractor, and possibly a team of shrinks.  If I could have shaken my head, I would have done so.    

But on the fifth consecutive day of awakening with a screaming headache, crossed eyes and a twitching shoulder muscle, Long Suffering Wife tossed me a phone book in which she had circled the number of a nearby chiropractor.  I figured that I was already a broken man, so I called them. 

Twenty minutes after crawling through the chiropodists’ door, I exited the surgery with a wide smile on my dial, did a little tap-dance on the steps, sprinted through the carpark, somersaulted over my car, then drove home singing.  My headache had vanished, I could feel the fingertips on my right hand again, the sun shone a little brighter, the birds were chirping…. etc, etc.      

That evening I told Long Suffering Wife how happy I was with her ‘Bone Cracker’, when she cheerfully replied, “Oh, I’ve never been there, but I’ve often wondered if they’re any good.  Now I know.”  

For a moment I toyed with kicking her in the shins, but I didn’t, because these days I’m much more flexible in both mind and body; even if someone is being a real pain in the neck.

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Filed under Columns, Writing

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