Today, the day after Mothers Day, thousands of wretched looking men will line up at returns desks around the country, clutching unwanted and slightly battered gifts. Males prefer ‘practical’ over ‘pretty’, which is why we are stunned to discover that no matter how useful it will be to Mum, a new deep fryer, ironing board cover, or quality chainsaw is not what she wanted.
So, in light of recent Mothers Day disasters, I’ve come up with the following tips to help the men of Gladstone avoid the same mistakes next year:
Young Mums adore hand crafted gifts, cards or drawings from their little ones. These will be lovingly placed next to the tele, or pasted onto the fridge, where they will stay for years, fading and gathering dust.
Middle-aged Mums like flowers, or jewellery, but what they really crave is a day off. Hubby can take the kids to Timbuktu for all she cares while she flops onto the couch for some much needed sleep, without waking up to a house that looks like a war zone. Dinner cooked by ‘someone else’ and not having to wash up afterwards is also highly regarded.
Elderly Mums fall into two categories: Group One baby-sit grandkids all week and live in houses that look like war zones, for their gift, see above.
Group Two Mums live alone, and merely hope that one of their little ingrates will phone them; even if it is to ask for more money. If you happen to be a ‘Group Two’ Mum and are desperate for some company next Mothers Day, then I happen to know a bloke with a small tribe of kids who needs a place to hang out for several hours while his wife has a rest.
And fellas, never, ever, give Mum exercise equipment, because after you’ve had your present rectally inserted, she’ll caustically remind you that it’s your fault she got fat in the first place.
Also, do not ask your wife for gift advice as she may think you’re fishing for clues for her present, and will be disappointed to see your Mum wearing the sapphire necklace she wanted, while she gets slung a cheap box of chocolates. Trust me; you don’t need ‘that’ much trouble in your life.
Anyway, I hope this has been helpful, and if you want to thank me in person, just look for a bloke with a bandaged head standing in line at the returns desk clutching a heavily dented fat-free griller.